diversified | Blessed by light and burden of shadows. [ closed ]

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Blessed by light and burden of shadows. [ closed ]

WHO Shannon Vaughn (

privatematter), Eli Delacroix (

aspectional).
WHAT Eli is an idiot; Shannon is curious. How exactly does D/s go down when you're not to the Having Sex stage in the relationship yet?
WHEN Late 1990. Seven months after Jumpscapades.
WHERE Shannon's place.

Shannon was anxious. Not in a bad way, but the anticipatory way that everyone got when something new and exciting was going up and there was no way it could go badly, but predicting the end outcome was almost impossible. It was a great feeling, but one that left Shannon feeling like a teen heading out to prom instead of a grown man getting ready to have fun with his boyfriend and potentially make some hilariously heartfelt gestures to express his trust in Eli. That was probably something he didn't do enough in general, actually.

Breakfast had been something simple. Pancakes, fresh cut fruit and sausage. Eli had come over pretty early to get ready, talking over the generalities of what they were going to do while the specifics were to wait for after they were done. Well, now they were done and sitting on the couch, and Shannon's leg was jiggling even under the hand he had placed on his knee to keep himself still. Lacey had wandered off after breakfast, stomach filled with her own food and presumably was napping on the foot of the bed in Shannon's room. Probably for the better, really.

"So," he said, ignoring the obvious tell he was giving off. If Eli took it for misapprehension, then Shannon was going to definitely lean over and smack him. "Where do we start?"

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There was a long silence as Eli let Shannon's words pass through him. He had known since the beginning that their relationship was a complicated situation when it came to Shannon's thoughts on it. Things seemed to make more sense as time went on, but there were still moments where it seemed like they took a step backwards and reminded Eli that if he wasn't male, then things wouldn't be such a mess with Shannon.

"I know," he answered, keeping his thoughts out of his voice, doing his best to stay comforting to relax Shannon. "We're still together even if it doesn't fit up there. If that doesn't stop us, then nothing will."

For Shannon, it was a matter of his life, which he tended to keep in carefully organized mental boxes to lessen the strain on his wildfire thoughts, suddenly not having anywhere to belong. Discovery of his nature as an Aspect had been the start of it, but now that he was together with Eli, it had all cinched out of place and he wasn't really sure what to do with all these things that no longer had a proper spot. Being with Eli was great and he wouldn't give it up, but the fact of the matter was that Shannon was not gay and appreciating the male body of his partner was not something to which he was naturally-inclined. It said a lot that he was willing to work outside of his arranged pile of conceptions about the world to enter the relationship with Eli in the first place. It said even more that he had been the one to initiate it once he realized that it didn't feel wrong, just outside his regular means. He worried that Eli would get frustrated with his adjustment period, having gone on excruciatingly long already, although that worry didn't often make it to the surface to remind Eli that this was work and not an automatic click. It wasn't fair to Eli at all and Shannon was quite aware of the imbalance.

Well, usually speaking, anyway. Right now he simply knew that this was something he wanted, something he appreciated, and even the snow globe that was his mind was glad that they continued to jump hurdle after hurdle to remain together. "You're perfect," he murmured. "You're so perfect. Can we stay like this? Here? Nothing else. Just us."

It never crossed Eli's mind to ever leave Shannon mostly because of how much he loves the man and that he wants to stay with him as long as he's allowed to. He was just waiting for the other shoe to drop and Shannon deciding that the relationship wasn't going to work out and thus leave. That was one of the biggest fears he had when it came to them dating and one he figured would inevitably happen because Shannon was straight. It was only a matter of time, he believed, and was expecting it even if it would never happen.

"We can stay like this for now." There was no acknowledgement of the first part of what Shannon said, Eli preferring to skip over it thanks to all of his issues that seemed to be coming out in full force right now. "We'll eventually have the face the world, but right nor it's just us."

Shannon hummed appreciatively at that answer and moved even closer to Eli. Between his body and jacket, it felt like nothing could reach him again. Nerves still thrummed through him, hands flexing and grasping at the parts of Eli where they had settled. Thought began to slip away, leaving only feelings and impressions. Not all of them were good nor something he wanted, but he tried to fight against it with what presence of mind was still there after being so thoroughly startled into pieces.

Eventually he began twisting his hands, his wrists, and frowned to himself. It felt like he was too loose right now, solid ground being a rare and distant object and that he was going to float off like a piece of driftwood. "Could you put them back on, sir?" he asked. Maybe that would help hold him down.

There was a moment after Shannon asked that Eli just stopped and stared at him in confusion. His mind couldn't pick up on what Shannon meant and after cycling through recent events, he realized it was the restraints. Picking them up and then taking hold of Shannon's hands, he put the restraints back on his wrists snugly before he took his hands and kissed each palm gently.

"There you go," he said as he let go of his hands and looked at him. Eli briefly wondered just what was going on in Shannon's head before the thought fluttered off and was replaced by another. "Is that better?"

Was it better? It was a pressure, a solidification of the world around him and a reminder of gravity to keep him still. Shannon nodded and brought his hands up between them, using their own bodies to further hold himself still. It helped keep his thoughts from spiraling up and away into the cold and distant sky. His mind could finally start to wind down instead of the odd, discontented alertness he had been fighting.

"Yes," he answered after a moment. He was starting to feel less like he was going to fly apart at any moment. "Much better. Thank you."

If it was better, then Eli wasn't going to ask about why he wanted them back on. Maybe later when Shannon's back to himself completely he'll ask, but for now it doesn't matter. Anything that gets Shannon to wind back down into his normal state of being is fine by him, especially if it involves him helping in that regard. It stops him from feeling useless like he has been for most of this.

"I'm glad to hear that." His voice does have a hint of relief in there as he wraps his arms around him once more and rests his head against him. "I'll fix this, all of it. So rely on me for the moment, okay?"

Shannon nodded, a shallow motion so as to not dislodge the Dom resting against him. It didn't even need to be a question: of course he would rely on Eli. That was what was keeping him from freaking out any further, saving his frayed edges from splitting and tearing away. Eli was his rock right now, the only thing he could be sure of in the world where nothing else existed.

"Of course," he answered. "As long as you want me."

It was irony at its finest with Eli being Shannon's rock considering Eli himself was mentally falling apart at the seams. Thanks to years of training to keep his emotions under tight control, it was difficult for someone to notice that Eli was definitely out of it and slightly panicked, but someone who knew him would be able to pick up the cues easily, even if they were blind.

"I always want you," he replied, very obviously teasing him lightly. "I just try to behave for your sake."

On some level or another, Shannon recognized that something was wrong with Eli. He knew the man too well for it to completely pass him by, but with the state of his own mind first having been drawn into a sort of altered awareness and now shaken up as it was, he simply couldn't connect all of the dots to draw upon the correct conclusion. Eli was there, and Eli was taking care of him, ergo Eli was all right. He would have said something if he needed time for himself, obviously.

"You should stop that," said Shannon. "Behaving is boring." It slipped him by that 'behaving' was more or less the reason they were in their current predicament in the first place. That was different.

Even if Eli needed time to get himself together, he wouldn't have taken it with Shannon like this. He took his position as Shannon's Dom seriously and wasn't going to let him suffer through this situation alone if he could get him through it. His problems could wait, Shannon's can't.

"You don't want me to stop behaving," Eli responded easily, eyes closing as he tried to relax against his sub and failing, his body trembling every so slightly. "Trust me on that."

It was an unfortunately delicate situation. By its own nature, they were at a disadvantage to deal with it on their own, yet for the same reason it was what they had to do. At the very least, Shannon did seem to be calming as they simply stayed in each others' presence and let themselves add distance to the disturbance in the living room.

"Of course I trust you." He went a bit quiet at that, understanding that it was rhetoric and needing to respond anyway. In the quiet, he noticed the shivering of his Dom, reaching up to put a hand against Eli's collarbone to feel it out more easily. That wasn't right. He began to shift, trying to tug the jacket from around his shoulders so that he could return it. "Are you cold?"

The situation may be delicate, but they were working through it the best they could. At the least, neither was getting worse so far, so it was definitely a point in favor of them staying together and calming each other down. Eli might not be calming down, but he's always been the sort to care about others ahead of himself, even to his own detriment.

"Cold? No, it's nothing like that. You don't need to worry about it," he said as he stopped Shannon from taking off the jacket. Eli forced his body to still the best he could and ruffled Shannon's hair affectionately. Outside the door in the living room sat Matheus and Eli was still very aware of that fact. He needed to get Shannon to something resembling stable before he could go deal with the elephant in the other room.

Shannon stopped trying to remove the jacket, but now his hand was trailing over the exposed skin of Eli's neck, made its way up to his face and cupped his jaw. It was a worried, protective motion coming from a distracted and fuzzy sub. He wanted to feel settled, but he wasn't anywhere near that and needed the reassurance that the boogey man was not going to pop out of the woodwork and drag them back under.

He settled his head down, thumb rhythmically rubbing back and forth against Eli's cheek in a small motion. "Hard to tell when someone's cold," he allowed. Maybe he read the signals wrong. If Eli said he didn't need to worry about it, then he wanted to and would believe that. If he could fall back into that point, his head would clear up once everything else was out of the way. Right?

When Shannon moved his hand, Eli reached up and hooked a finger on the restraint's d ring, giving only a slight tug to let him know he had grabbed onto it. As a Dom, he knew that he had to be there for his sub to rely on and be stable enough for him to actually rely on him in the first place. Eli was definitely trying to be stable enough for Shannon and was hoping that truly was the case.

"I know you have trouble with that since you're so warm." When he said that, he moved his face so that he could nuzzle Shannon's neck and keep his head there as if to warm himself up with his body. "If I was cold, I would definitely let you know. I don't like it and complain a lot whenever I am." Which was true and anyone who knew Eli would know how much he whined whenever the temperature dropped into the forties and below.

His hand stilled. A moment later, he pulled his wrist in the opposite direction, testing the give that Eli would allow. He picked his motion back up, somewhat shakier this time, but seemed more focused now. Somewhat more centered. There was a light, near inaudible rumble in his throat when Eli pressed himself there. It was appreciative. His other arm shifted up so that it could rest along the hollow where shoulder met neck.

"Okay." That made sense. He remembered that. Then why had he been asking about it? Stupid. "I like your jacket," he said. There was a pause. "On you. It's very... strapping."

There wasn't much in the way of give that Eli would allow now that he's got hold of the restraint. Both were still in their roles as Dom and sub, fractured as it might be at the moment, and Eli was definitely going to show that he still had control for Shannon's sake, even if it was only a small amount that he had.

Making himself more comfortable against Shannon, he lets out a soft laugh against his neck at the strapping comment. "I'm glad to hear that you like it. I wore it just for you after I found out that you liked my boots."

That was a good thing. Shannon still needed the control that his Dom gave to settle down, feeling otherwise adrift and unsure. His hand slowly steadied while he kept up the slow stroke along Eli's jaw, occasionally twisting or otherwise moving his wrist to check that it was still secure, still protected.

"They're nice boots. Intricate," he added once the word came to him. "Helps me visualize it better." That wasn't the best word to use, since Shannon never experienced anything visually, but it tended to be the easiest one to describe it.

Every time Shannon tested the give on the restraint, Eli tightened it up until he suddenly pulled his wrist and hand away from his face to move it to his side under the jacket, Eli grabbing the other wrist and doing the same as he moved away from Shannon a bit, no longer resting against him. Then, he pulled the jacket closed and started to buckle up the straps as tightly as they'd go so as to make the jacket seem like a restraint.

"Intricate, hm? I have plenty of things that are like that we can use," he said calmly as he worked on the straps of the jacket, not explaining what he was doing or why. If his sub truly trusted him, then he would accept this. "Would you like that?"

Shannon pulled in a sharp breath, momentary confusion giving way to passivity while Eli did his work. He shifted his elbows, feeling how little room there was to maneuver without destroying any sort of circulation in his arms. Putting his arms between a row of straps acted like a makeshift sleeve and kept them from sliding up or down. His head dipped low and he let out a small sigh, not one of defeat but anticipation. Comfortable leather tightly against his arms, heat balling up inside and the scent of Eli right below his nose. This was right.

"I would," he answered. "What kind of things do you have?"

Edited 2014-04-07 17:59 (UTC)

Seeing Shannon respond like that physically is a good sign and he smiled as he stood up. He reached down to grab the ring on the belt and tugged it lightly to order Shannon into a standing position. Tilting his head slightly, he studied him quietly for a moment before moving and resting his head on Shannon's shoulder. "You like this, don't you? Me binding you up like this."

There was a long moment where it was obvious that he was thinking on the question. "Quite a lot of things. If I started to list them, we'd probably be here for a while."

When Eli pulled, Shannon followed. He was momentarily wobbly on his feet, but soon found his footing and made sure he was well-balanced enough when Eli leaned his head against him. His natural response was to let his head fall lightly to the side against his Dom's, contentment beginning to rise inside him like the returning tide. An attempt to shift his arms was met with the jacket's resistance and Shannon let that be when he realized that only an actual attempt to dislodge the makeshift binding would work. Containment from all sides, inability to do anything but accept Eli's instruction and guidance. It was his trust in Eli that let Eli do what he knew was appropriate for them both. But... it wasn't just the two of them—his breath hitched and he dipped his head further, twisting it as if to hide his face from both Eli and the other not even there.

"Yeah," he answered truthfully. He didn't want to get lost again and so drudged up the words that he had already been working up to saying. "It's... safe. You can do whatever you want."

It wasn't enough. He knew Shannon well enough to know that there was the intruder still on his mind and he didn't want that interfering with what they had anymore than what had already happened. One hand reached up into Shannon's hair and grabbed it forcefully, but nowhere near enough to truly cause him pain, and turned his head back towards him.

"And if I want to bind you so that you can't move and cover nearly every inch of your body so that only I can touch you?" Eli moved his own head so that he could brush his lips lightly against Shannon's, teasing him instead of going ahead and just kissing him. Any attempt by Shannon to try kissing him was obviously going to be stopped by the hand in his hair. "What about then?"

There was a sharp, quiet gasp at the hand in his hair. It wasn't like usual, no soft touches or soothing motions. Just a sting where nerves were nervously firing and it caused his stomach to turn. What was interesting was how it wasn't a bad thing. It was focus and attention and enough to fritz out his brain like a hand leisurely coming through his hair all condensed into the one, constant instant.

Eli's breath was mingling with his own. There was no air between them, only each other, and he naturally tried to move into the kiss that Eli was using to tease him. When he was pulled up short, his brows furrowed and he went over what Eli had just said to make sense of the denial. His eyes widened a fraction as he gave a soft oh. He wanted that just as much as Eli must have. Was it because Eli was expressing interest? Maybe. There was no real way to figure out why, he just knew he wanted it, too. "Yes," he breathed. "That's what you want? Yes."

That was much better. He would definitely keep in mind that even the painful side of messing with his hair was something that he seemed to like. Tightening the grip on his hair by a fraction, he smiled slightly as he waited to watch his reaction. Despite the interruption, Eli was glad that he was getting to the chance to learn what Shannon did and didn't like.

Eli looked pleased by Shannon's reply and once again brushed their lips together, this time for a little longer, but not nearly enough time for Shannon to get a kiss out of it. "I think it's more than just what I want. You want it so that you can feel what it's like to be unequivocally mine."

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